Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Some answers i need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As i write this chapter my mind is in serious complextions, a CHILLNESS that is streaming through my spine; nervousness that i can sense and can see in my shivering hands. "What will happen??" i am thinking right now. A fear is silently approaching as i am having a deeper look at my relations.

Not many i have people really connected to me, not that lucky ever. A few to consider but had lot of personalities roaming around me besides who continously approches me, had a hang around for some cruical moments of my life and then ruthly left me in the oceans of deep misories after taking advantages from mine, playing with my mind. The actions of those not only create ambush in mind but compell to look upon, may be having hundered thoughts over the so called TRUE RELATIONS.

A few factors i think in my life contributed heavily for today's senario. Its not like that i was always be left out child in my early days, may be had lot of people around me that time to care as in most cases. But as i grow, things changes. Me always is a reserve personality, not public to all but at times not hesitate to try new relations, always keen to understand other while having close look at my heart doors'. Me always voluntire to sum up common problems even it demands cruel stakes. But i think that is loop hole perhaps i had in my nature which other usually played upon and taking advantages of my never say NO habit.

But then this is how life is. Many Worse a few BEAUTIES. Never really cared about those unwanteds. Perhaps if i know my loop wholes can very well guess what other is up to. But then i am not the only smarter over here. Situation arises when some to whom i allowed to enter in my mind, touch my deep thoughts, plays the ruthless game. And as i write and look upon perhaps there are some really recognised personalities who venture this mind games amd then left me broken by there action. Perhaps me sometimes thought this is result of my sins i commited in life. But today when i looked upon in broder prospectes came to know it is not for those as i have pretty balanced relation with nature like TIT for TAT type. But then not only this thing but others not done wrong and commited strong bond left me unrecognise like they never know me

Then why is this all happening to me?? Why people usually plays upon me?? and as i mentioned earlier their ruthless events left certain doubts with strong fear in my mind when i thought of my little left realtions. Doubts that ARE THEY TRUE TO ME and my biggest fare of BECAME ALONE IN END. SO today may be i will put some personalities into deep regretions of being with me; having RISK of AWFUL OUTCOMES, want to ask all those who RECOGANIZE me Friend, Amigo, Brother and with any relation they are connected to me, ARE YOU ALL REALLY LAST FOREVER WITH ME?? Its not like that i am demanding you all to hang around me but WHAT THIS PERSON DEMAND IS SHARE RECOGNISTION FOR ALL LIFE. thats only the BIGGEST "little" thing i expected from all those to whom i connected and now DEMANDS MY ANSWERS.

And while i am ending this, sending clear messages to all personalities around me that this person is not keen to have anykind of TIME PASS RELATIONs. Enough is enough. One should clearly know that me believe in the LONG LASTING BONDS. And for those for whom i really knows will prove upon this mark just want to say that perhaps in life not always words will do the magics rather YOUR ACTIONS WILL GIVE STRENGTH TO THE LOVE AND BOND WE SAHRE.
ARE you all upto this?? will you all do this for this COMMON GUY??


Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Mind, Heart, Thoughts can really impact upon one's individuality isn't it?? Lucky and thoughtful s have mind in control and heart by their sides. Not everybody posses these so as i. Corrupt, Agile, umm an average brain, awful that's what it all revels about the Thoughts and Mind of mine right from my start. Never allowed any positive changes to spread and fetch out odds from the brain of mine for a long. But as of now it seems some changes are coming which will and is turning up whole scenario of my life.

Not all i will write; may be in need of more time to really understand these changes but certainly will discuss about the one or two changes in myself that is setting up the platforms for a big leap now. Of these foremost important is the one on social front may be associated with most of guys at young age.

Girls, Women; one of the most NATURAL ISSUE OF CONCERN with most of the young guys these days and me is not different. I don't know and will not comment about how others had thoughts on them but its a long lasting continuation of vengeance about the other fifty percent of globe associated with hellish mind of mind. Shits, not of my league, abusing and the one which i can't write here in words were the common perceptions and thinking of mine about the women in world. Thought as they were nothing but piece of crap, as a owing property of one which can be used as one like. And these were not for the women in my school, collage or i met in train , buses etc but same is applied at home front too. May be at times i looked upon and have second thoughts on these ideas about them but never really left my Ideology.

I think in everybody's life nature give one opportunity to improve. It's upon us to see and cash upon it. Or may be for something good one have done in his/her life, nature will mend some important dents in one's personality by itself. I think that's what happened with me in this case. If i revive my life then i think ending days of my graduation were the days when procedure really started to clean up the mess of my mind and certainly i didn't have any credit to bring about this change. Its all nature's!! There i one saying that Iron cuts iron; this is exactly how nature started it's mission with me, cleaning up of my ideas about women by bringing revolutionary thoughts by some women around me. Every time i had some messy idea about them it was counter by strong actions in the shape of incidences by nature which shook up my brain every time i came across these. Then to really pulled the rest from my mind send two lovely frnds , both women who really did their job and i can bet upon they both don't know this.

But it didn't stop all here. Time and again i came across incidences in my life that have pushed my mind to think other way, to see the Fresher and lovely sides associated with women. Two moments built the foundation complete in my mind and the effile tower is going on building day by day now. Today when somebody ask me how i see the women and as i remember my old dark days i feel embarrassed, ashamed and these are the first words in my mind now about woman; " A DEIFICATION ". Day by day this feeling is becoming strong as i came across some of the amazing personalities, looking upon them as my tutor, seeing them as human, and a sense of doing whatever i can for them for CONTRITION of my SINS.

Second thing associated with my thoughts is approach towards work. Believe or not myself was one of the most uncaring and lazy person as far as work is concern. Here again circumstances have brought change in and this time it was me who seez this opportunity and act upon to en cash. Umm this scenario started when i was at training , first at Adonis medical, Mohali which certainly lay the foundation for change in my thinking. Then at CDAC work was started to came over from uncaring nature of my mind. And as now i am working at First Medical i think as of now i have completed the platform and yes there is big change in attitude towards work. A correct approach with a sense of completing the work till it ends and not leaving it incomplete, that's how now i am working. Still work need to be done to consolidate this thinking and i think nature will play its game to bring about the fruitful. But already a leap has been taken.

"A GOOD START" that's what i am looking it the time and phase of life i am living in. Good work with Pure and Clean mind that's what the idea is all about before the big leap, the next phase of my life. Looking forward for some more improvements in my personality, in my attitude.These CHANGE OF THOUGHTS are highly encouraging and bringing new life into my veins.

Monday, March 23, 2009


Last night i was anguish to remember some of my past memories. Mood was not as purple as on any other day; trying to get out of the hell of my unwanted memories. Umm as usual i took the services of liquor and just hope it make those memories unsensed. But it wasn't what nature has store for the night.

Umm came back, late in night!! My mind still flurishing the memories, unleashing upon me. So i gave up, and beside my unwillingness gave a thought to past.

I cherish my school days. Althought not big enough both physically and mentally at that time but still can understand value of relation. I remember when i had some serious issues or fights with some really close ones, i usually beat them either physically or with my wonder words and finally just broke down in front of them. Though small but i know deep inside they understand the wrong and we finally made up usually. But those were school days!! As time passed that sense fades away but not for me. Instead became part and parcel of mine. "Really dangerous"!! one of my good frnd once told me. Perhaps didn't understand that time.

So searching the ocean of my memories, the day i encounterd those persons who are going to give some chill in my spine. One i first met in city beautiful became really close frnd, started our carrer together. At times seeks my help; i took it as a frnd's call; umm even more!! Other around us, some of them really had the kind of relation with me what we two have; warned me of his self centeredness, use and throw behaviour; but really don't care them. "What is your problem?? If you hav, have it up to yourself!! Don't spoil my relations" Those were usual phrases i use to throw upon the one who tries to pull our relation apart. At least he was honest with me.

A bad day comes, he had to left the centre and the place. Umm caught with some issue. I remember i was one of few who defend him at that stage. Even had serious fights with one of most loving person in my life. Even he gows, i keep the tree of our relation safe, hope it would grow with time. But it wasn't the case. Sometime back i came to know he ditch me, made speeches behind me, even looted my credits. I still can't believe. So decided to talk with him once. Finally when reconnects, just didn't ask these but one" Still our relation stands?" In return what i got is helloic words from his mouth. Completley unexpected. Shivered me. The Acid RAIN has finally toxified the PLANT of our relation. And me just came back, broken, felt a near one lost. Actually had that feeling.

Ah!! Still furthur query came out with the face of a person whom i gave my best, serve with feeling of human kind. But as for now its all faded out." Doesn't even recognise me, that ugly.......!!!" Pardon my words but those were all that came from my heart.

So till last night was in a state of confusion. Still hoping that they will came back!! "YOU r Stupid! Can't you see they used and throw you?? and you still hoping for reflurishment??" Those were the sayings of one sweet angel, sitting far apart from me, listening to my concerns.

So what to do?? I asked her.
Do the right; she not actually says rather replied with big bunch of words; but gist was this.

So i decided why not give consideration to those who actually wanted me to get rid of all these.

"I have done my frnd. Msged them the words they can't expect of me!!" I told her.

"You really get me out of nuts. You rock my frnd!!" I aplodge with these words and showed my honest gesture to one of the SWEETEST discovery i had in my recent time. Not the first time she helped me feel free, feel light. But never really told till last night. A few more things to say but perhaps will fall short of words.

So at last i gave fire to funeral of the extotic relations i had in my life. And now really feel free, out of my nest of pains. Finally i have with the support of my angel ; FLUSHED OUT "THE ODDS."

And these are the final words to commemorate the situation from the song "IN THE END" from Linkin Park:

" I put my trusts in you, pushed as far as i can go;
for always there is only one thing you should know.."


Saturday, February 14, 2009


I remember the day when i completed my studies and get passed out from DAVIET as Electronics Engineer. It was good to see myself fullfilling one commitment i made to myself to be an engineer after plenty of thougts i gave to suggestions people gave me after my HSC. But now what, is it over?? Had this be enough. Nop!! Now the next target was too see myself doing a HANDSOME JOB.

HANDSOME ya that's it i thought and i looked that way. I remember when CONVERGES asia's largest BPO came for interview at our college. I along with some fellows BYCAUT that. Just sees that the job is mere mocking of what we have done. Feeling embres in doing such. So why not trying in Softwares? "It's a fashion these days, want to do something different". Those were the thoughts in my and some of my fellows minds. Young, enthusiastic, passed out lads just unknowingly the TRUTH of LIFE outside, were ready to take all. But was it really the case? Today after 4 years i asked myself.
I remember i just go after GOVT services, gave exams but hardly cleared any. MOM scolded, sometime gave refrences and that thing i hated the most. Just always told mom, " So what if somebody got job in lakhs of package? My time will come!!" Just spoken rudley sometimes. After long chase, when nothing i got what i planed, i was in a state of fix.

Then two of my friends got good jobs, one got through in TCS, one at NIT. Was happy to see those joyfull faces but someway inside had urge to become something close to that if not more. But all i had was no time on hand.
I remember when my friends gave me some opportunities during those struggling days of mine, Asking me to came over to there respective places for interviews, job search etc, but i refused. Why i couldn't explained at that time. So a year passed in all such nonsense.

Then one day i went jalandhar to see my friend. He too was having tough period. We just decided to pass our time in Domino's near bus stand. When we reached there the resturant was barley occupied. Just me and my friend and one or two more. We were sitting occuping a table having some discussions. Suddenly a very pretty girl, about my age came and clear the mess off from our table and polietly asked what would we like to have. We just orderd a pizza. Moment later a young boy again about my age came and serve us the order. I looked upon both of them, they were concentrating and working hard for other orders to be fulfilled. Some questions struck in my mind!! We finished and just leave the premises. Then i board on bus to Amritsar.

"You should be ashamed of yourself!!"Those were the words which i said to myself while on my way to Home. Seeing those young bloods, of my age, from a respectable decent family as of mine working in Domino's perhaps left many questions in front of me which i ought to answer. "What am i doing?" "Am i neglecting work??" Ashamfully i said to myself "YES"!!

I admit that day. Yes i admit that firstly i neglect the work. and why so?? Perhaps i knows the answer more than anybody. Just don't have enough gutts to tell someone close at that time. I remember once i scolded nature to be partial with me. But i was wrong!! It was me myself responsible for all that act happening to me. I myself was pushing my life in ruins.

In night at home while lying on bed, i hardly feel sleepy. So much to ask upon, to get cleared. What went wrong with me?? is it really time's delima?? Nop, what my heart and my brain told me after having long thougts. It was my inabilty to stand and express, to deliver when time demands which led to the senario i was in, and over that my nutter behaviour, taking things lightly, not giving repect to life's principle which made things worse. I feel guilty, ashamed of myself to thrashed the thousand hopes and most importantly of MINES. "Don't you dare to weep, you have lost all that right. Weeping will not change the things." the words from my soul came in my mind.
Next day when i awake, things were not the same. I felt a TRANSFORMATION inside me. With the dawn of sun i awake from darkness. Darkness of illusion that was constructed for a year now in my mind. I promised,,umm,, not promised, i have hardly fullfill those, but yes decided to act upon. Taking lesson i learnt last night just made my mind clear that enough is enough you have to act now. Perhaps now i understand the value of work. For the first time i saw work as work, not as status symbol, not as small or big. Inside my heart thanking NATURE and those TWO YOUNG ONES to make me relaise that, which person of my age should be cleared with a LONG LONG ago.

But its better to come back even if it is late. Now, today when i remember those days, that period of mine and compare it with my present i feel humble. Humble to nature, humble to those two to whom i have never showed my regards. Unknowingly they have made TRANSFORMATION in me. Today, i feel happy, if not proud of myself , seeing myself working, working good, working hard and most importantly, WORKING WITH HEART. But still a long way to go. Perhaps some more to come. More objectives to be complete.

Just hoping this time too nature will be kind enough to show me the way if i made a WRONG ENTRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 6, 2009


It was starting days of autums season of 90's when a beautiful sensation just shivers and rock me up. I went with my mother and aunt along with me to jalandhar to board on a family bus for a trip to mata vaishno devi shrine but i just didn't except; what the mother goddess had planned for me.
We were in Devi Talab temple at jalandhar, waiting for others to company us for the trip. A few hours later a stunning and cool surprise came all the way from the national capital to awake the hidden emotion of a 12 year lad. Her beauty was breathtaking, her smile was giving new hopes to life. Her voice was tonning air with honey. Perhaps more. yes indeed!! I remember my first walk along with her; an exhubihant expirence all the way along the premises of Devi Talab Temple. And then at lawn i listen my name from the beautiful mouth in sweetest of manner. I can't express how my heart went jubliant. Well then we board and moved forward for mata vaishno devi shrine. On our way we had lot of chats about each other.
Next morning we arrived at katra and marched towards the shrine. All the way she and me were together, sharing thoughts, sharing food. Sometimes she just become nottie i guess and let soft silky hand of her touch and fell my face. Oh!! it was awsome, never happened before with me. Then when we entered the shrine temple, side by side, walking neck to neck, paying homages to the mighty goddess; there was only one thing in my mind; only one prayer to the mother, please give this life to me, oh my mother!!!
And after we walk outside it was such that maa has fulfilled an unexpected dream. I was numb, yes indeed. I fall in love. I had a big CRUSH. The time of my life i experienced. Well!! ahh!! it is said that the overblown baloon brust. Yes it brust, the bubble of my lovely senses, lovely wish. All the way down to katra i came to know she was 24, already engaged. And i was just completly stunned. I just split away and walk alone to katra. In bus when we left for jalandhar, i was sitting quit, have no words to speak indeed!! Then she came to me, lushed her hand over my face with love again enlightened me, my sensations. My heart becoming exsubient, wanted to show its emotion but perhaps my lips barred me to do so.
At last the time came for us to just go away. We left at jalandhar, me with my mom and aunt. Just before i left i brought two sweet chocolate especially for her and while huge demand from others, i just handed over those to her. Perhaps a way to show my feelings. She gave me UNFORGTBALE kiss on my cheeks again luter her hands on my face and then in her beautiful way said goodbye to me.
Good bye MY LOVE!! I didn't speak, but these were the words which ran in my mind all my way to Amritsar ;the home. A one or two tears in eyes, can't really show my emotions, perrhaps was too young to do this. But yes that night just remeber the days of my life, the moments i spent with her. She really shakled a 12 year SOUL.
Ah!! Today i can't really remember her name but her face her image will always be in my mind. I met her afterward in a marriage but this time things were not the same. not that much of enthusiasm she showed at first meeting. perhaps because she were married. But Yes she game me her million dollar smile, recognised me. That's all was important to me. And what was important the moment i spent with that ANGEL!!!! I thank's MAA for really made that thing happen in my life.!! Wishing all the happiness for my UNSAID LOVE!!!!